Has It Been Two Weeks Yet?

Yeah...I don't know how long it takes, maybe two weeks, maybe four, maybe it's something that happens naturally. What I do know is that both Telza and Duke are no longer objects to my obsession. With Duke it was a conversation that made me realize that he could very easily not want anything serious with anyone. The second I realized I just...stopped. I still like him, I still talk to him, but if shit falls through then oh well. Like Alice in "Closer" I'll stop "loving" someone in a split second once I realize it's not going places. So basically I've stopped trying to seduce him. It's up to him where he wants to take things. I'll tell you one thing, I sang to him, wrote him a letter, made him a picture (which...he knows of, but hasn't gotten yet.) and played my A-game. He IS seduced. By God is he seduced. We just needs to see where it's going. ("Uhhh.....Mae...I was under the impression that you're in Mexico...and he's in...Colombia?" Yes, yes, but I'm GOING to Colombia in a couple of weeks. Relax Negative Nancy.) as far as Telza goes, it's kind of...the opposite.

I realized it actually could work with him, because of HIS behavior, but I don't think I'd be up for all the challenges of dating a successful rockstar. Not to mention, I'm leaving. So I decided to chill the fuck out and enjoy whatever he was willing to give. So now, I'm just enjoying the fact that he bought me a bottle of Captain Morgan (that kid brought on his A-game too, apparently) and went to Guanajuato with me for a night. He dedicated his entire time to being sweet and cool and we had a great time talking and talking a LOT more than usual.

And so...see? This is me doing my little roller coaster ride. Which is why Chem was so particular in my life. Because I never stopped...

Anyway. That's all.

Obsessed.

I will recap quickly.

Duke is a friend from Colombia that I've recently been having intense conversations with via MSN messnger. I started liking him so much, I became intense and a prescription away from being obsessed. The way I always do and always have when I like someone. I'm discrete about it, you know, I don't outwardly show just how crazy I'm going.

I started to realize I was going insane, when right about that time a guy showed up in my life that I let myself like. It was all fun and respect and friendship until the idiot decided to say shit that swept me right off my goddamn feet. And that shit just won't flow. So of course now I started obsessing over him. I went to Guanajuato to work on my thesis, and around that time I met up with an old flame of mine. We had never been boyfriend and girlfriend but we had always flirted and so I used that to propel me away from Telza for a couple of days. Then I came back and it was Friday.

Every Friday for three Fridays straight, me and Telza would go to a neighboring city where his band would play and I would have the time of my life. On Saturdays, I would sleep...exhausted. Yesterday that didn't happen because I had a gig. Today that didn't happen simply because he didn't want too. Which is fine. Maybe he's got a Saturdays girl. Maybe he just didn't feel like dealing with me. Whatever the reason is, it would be easy to quit going insane had he not said that shit. It just pisses me off to no ends. How I let myself get carried away. I can't stop it. I just figure I'll let myself obsess over him though, and ruin my chances with him, because he isn't necessarily proving to be the most charming ever. So I'll waste away, going insane with  him, that way when I get to Colombia I will actually stand a chance with Duke, rather than obsessing over Duke and losing him.

If you're going to say LOADED shit like that, that you like me to that extent, and then you're going to keep repeating it....you better fucking be ready to OWN UP to it motherfucker.

And I....I need...need to stop being such a goddamn idiot. Ten years and I still haven't learned not too. Halp.

Black Star.

I don't suffer from multiple disorder personality, but I do have a tendency of "taking on" different strengths and weaknesses throughout different methods of self-expression mostly having to do with how I am dressed. I don't believe I'm particularly special, I've seen others do this. Some people do it under extreme intoxication, others take on a different aspect of their personality after their egos have been shattered or elevated due to the opposite sex or a failed exam or a promotion or something of the sort.

I have these long flowy skirts that when I wear them the more "free-spirited dragonfly gypsy queen" is apparent. That's who I am a bit by nature, but this one is "more apparent" through flowy skirts.

Nose-diving v-necks and dramatic red lipstick take out the jazz singer in me.  (I sing jazz, did you all know this?)

However there is one that is so dramatic, so malicious and sexy that I've come to name that darker side of me. Not as the name of a character, but as the joined efforts of the personality traits that come to be. She's the Black Star within me. Everything about me that's confident, sexy, sinful, playful, flirty, and any variation thereof comes out to play.

Within my own safety parameters, obviously. I don't do drugs, I don't have sex with men I don't trust and care for (despite the image I may have portrayed) I don't drink excessively, and I don't lead on past what I'm willing to do in any of the aforementioned. However...if I ever were to do any of those things, the night of a Black Star would be it. What does that side of me look like? She wears black eyeshadow, dark clothes, and wild hair. The curves on my body are never more dangerous than within the confinement of a black pair of jeans, and my looks never more beckoning than when surrounded by the smoky black shadows. Other girls may be like this all the time, and while that's about 32 different kinds of sexy, I don't envy them because while it's extremely liberating to be this much of of a good thing, it's not someone I want to be all the time. That part of me really doesn't give a flying fuck what you think, even if the magic is gone and it's three days later and I'm insecure about some other shit and you catch me by surprise and say "I didn't like how you acted last Friday", suddenly she'll come through my lips and go "well that's too bad now isn't it?"

If you're a possible lover she'll look at you with eyes that hide nothing of the things that are desired, she'll talk straight at you, no second guessing her words or looking away blushing.

If you're a friend she'll laugh with you and hug you, not afraid to show you how much of a good time she's having, and oozing confidence that makes you want to be with her even more. She'll steal your beer and make you drink wine and wink at you and ask you what you want from the bar ("the blonde or the brunette?")

But being her, isn't me constantly. I'd miss the caring about others, the being a good friend, the listening and talking about deeper things, the wanting to study psychology and therapy and all of these other things. I'd miss that. I'd miss being fun talkative bubbly me, even if that side usually has insecurities. Many of them. It wouldn't be exhausting, just...empty after a while.

She is fun though.

That's who goes to party every Friday. That's who writes these entries, many times. A couple of months ago you guys got to meet  the most insecure side of me, the one that hits all of the lowest lows. That one has only come twice in my life on her own, I'd say.

I haven't gotten to know well all those aspects of me, but I understand that it's me that brings them to life, and not the other way around. It's not a magic skirt and some magic black eyeshadow, it's simply me who lives through it. Perhaps the reason why I chose tattoos as armor against the world.

I live vicariously through myself, it seems. 

Irrelevant Truths.

"I want to say something to you"
"*hic* mmm Ok""
"And I'll tell you again when you're not so drunk"
" *giggle* "
"You're really gorgeous, so I'm assuming people have said this to you before"
"awww tha-"
"Wait just listen."
"*hic*"
"I realize that I don't know you as well as I should quite yet. But I want you to know that what I've seen, I really really think that you could be someone whom I could be with. For a good long time. You are passionate about music, and I live from it. You're flirty but at the end of the night you come back to me. And I'm the same way. I like you, your essence."
"*hic*"
"And I know you're leaving to Colombia soon. But in a year or two, who knows what could happen. I'm reeeeally patient.  Besides, you're going to bring me and my band to Colombia. I'll teach you how to promote us. And I mean all of this, I do. And what makes it different, is that I'll keep saying it."

We had already had sex, so the fact that Telza was saying this was weird.  And I felt bad because initially I thought we were just messing around, this was just fun and games. Granted, I liked him, he was a good friend, but I didn't ever think it'd get to this point. He had just started out as fun. Also, I thought maybe I should tell him about Duke. Also, his drum player and I had kissed for two seconds. I did tell him that last bit. He asked me if I wanted to keep on doing it. I said no. It was just a thing that happened due to him being sad about his girlfriend that had broken up with him over chat. And rum. Lots of it. In my digestive system and blood stream. He said he didn't care as long as it didn't happen again.

We went out for tacos and we giggled and held hands like we were a newly-wed couple. He fed me his tacos and I stole his beer. I was dressed in black and had my super magic black eyeshadow so I strutted around everywhere thinking I was the shit not caring if anyone thought otherwise. We stayed in the city and I fell asleep in his arms two hours after sunrise. I woke up to his hand stroking my hair.

And...OK yes, I've been told similar things by men before, but only after months of dating, of being together. And all of them young, not thirty-two. And it's not like he is some pathetic loser who can't get girls. The dude is a magazine designer during the week, and a motherfucking rockstar on the weekends. He supports his mother and sister. He's apparently slept with over 50 women, and everyone wants him because you know "he's the guitarist and main vocalist"  of a successful band here in Guanajuato state. I just really like him. We get along. In a quiet sort of way. We don't flood each other with expectations, and it's just nice to be with someone who likes everything you give them and doesn't ask for more.

He said it again when I was more sober, and I didn't mean to make that whole "yeah right" smug face, but I kinda did because --scoff-- I'm sorry but you're a goddamn musician.

"...Mae...You don't know me that well. So I won't get offended. But some day...You'll see."

I don't care, either way. I won't admit it to anyone else except you folks...but it's mighty flattering being told that by him in specific. There's an understanding there. And...*sigh* Ok I admit it. I got caught up too, a bit...that night. I saw how well we work together. We could be more. And although I won't play my cards based on that alone, I won't scoff at him again either.

Because...he's right. Who knows what could happen.

Playing.

I think it's pretty much safe to say I'm back in the dating scene.

Although I'm leaving to Colombia, a friend of mine and I have been hooking up lately. And by hooking up I mean insane rockstar nights in motels, staying up till 2 PM the next day after a night of heavy drinking talking about music and nothing at all, and going out for some chai.

I've also been talking to Duke, laying on him all the game I've got and sure enough the kid's taken the bait. He isn't a shiny new toy, he's someone I want as a boyfriend.

But he's an hedonist, the type of guy who will be nice to you but won't promise you fidelity until he's actually fallen for you.

And because I want him bad, and don't want to share, I'm laying the game on thick that way when he's in Colombia, he'll have to think reeeal good about how he wants to play his cards. Maybe we won't get into a relationship right away and we'll play cat and mouse a little more, but this time, he'll be the one doing the chasing.

It's actually felt nice, to be single like this. being able to like men, but do whatever I want with whoever and not worry about anything.

The one bad thing? If I'm having sex, that means I'm thinking about it. And on the days I can't have sex...well...let's just say the game gets laid on a bit thicker.

Chocolate For Aphrodite.

I'm not really sure if you guys caught this, but I really like talking about sex. I've tried to be careful about what I say and how I say it, but a couple of nights ago something happened that I really wanted to write about and I realized that if I wrote about it here, I'd be intruding a little on you guys. So I decided to start another blog, where I'd dedicate myself to asking all the different questions and thoughts I had about sex, and make it a collaboration of sorts with other women.

I would love to see what other women have to say about the things I write about, and also about their own experiences and see if anyone out there things the same.

So yeah...if any of you want to write in it, let me know. Here it is in case you're terribly curious or whatever. I will always try to keep it somewhat within comfort ranges of dirty words, so it doesn't get lewd, but it is a sex blog afterall.

You know what I was originally going to name the blog?

"That's What She Said: different women talk about their different perspective on sex"

Pretty clever, huh?

Too bad the url and EVERY RENDITION THEREOF was taken.

So anyway, Chocolate for Aphrodite it is.

Shoop.

If the singular of geese is goose, then wouldn't it make sense that the singular of sheep is shoop?

Anyway I was a lamb for Halloween. (Was, will be...lots of parties.) After the first round of wearing all the face paint I decided that next there is NO WAY I am putting on that much paint on my face EVER again. But I looked so much NOT like myself, it was BADASS.

I also designed my costume, and I figured I'd put it up here for all you people to "ooh" and "ahh" because when I was looking online for some sheep face paint and costume I couldn't find anything decent. Behold my sheep costume and face paint.